According to the physicists, time travel is possible but only into the future, so there’s no chance for me to go back in time and zip up my slacks before my presentation to the senior vice presidents in 2003.
Nor is there any hope that I’ll be able to go back in time and make out with James Fraser, the sexy 18th century Scotsman who is the love interest of heroine Claire Randall in Diane Galbadon’s Outlander series of books about love and sex and time travel. The books are coming to television this summer in a miniseries on Starz.
I’m currently reading the first book, Outlander. The novel was published in the UK under the title Cross Stitch and I guess I understand why the publishers changed the title for the American audience because Cross Stitch sounds to this American like a murder mystery involving embroidery rather than science fiction involving time travel and sex: the protagonist, Claire Randall, gets it on a lot with her 20th century husband, Frank, in the first fifty pages or so, and, although I haven’t gotten that far yet, I’m expecting her to get it on, a lot, with her 18th century lover in future chapters.
I’m not sure if the first thing I would do as a time traveler would be to have sex but it would certainly be in the top five. I don’t think it counts as cheating if you have sex in a time where it is theoretically impossible for you to be, right? Well, I’m not going to count it.
Speaking of physicists and their strange ideas about time-space travel, when I was in college I triggered an absolute melt down in a physics major when I suggested that astronauts had sex in space. He was excitedly telling me about the latest space shuttle mission (that’s nerd for flirting) when I interrupted his explanation of trajectory and aerobraking by asking (and this is nerd for foreplay), “Do you think they’ve had sex on the Space Shuttle?”
He insisted they didn’t, and I insisted they must have, and, yada yada yada*, I never had sex with him.
Anyway, here are the top five things I would do if I could travel back in time.
- Zip up my pants.
- Kill Hitler.
- Tell Einstein that it appears he was wrong about the time travel thing.
- Bet my entire 401k balance on the Boston Red Sox winning the 2013 World Series.
- Show off my freaky 21st century sex moves.
Outlander, a Starz original series, premieres in summer 2014.
*I still miss Seinfeld.
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