File this under “No, I am Not Making this Up”: Naomi Wolf just published a biography of her vagina titled, cleverly enough, Vagina: A New Biography.
For those of you unfamiliar with her, Wolf is a controversial figure, probably best known for (allegedly) advising Al Gore to wear “earth tones” in order to appeal to women voters during the 2000 United States presidential campaign. Her work became familiar to me a little bit before that when I was in college and considered joining the campus Womyn’s (yes, womyn’s) Group, until I realized I liked penis too much. That group introduced me to Wolf’s first book, The Beauty Myth: How Images of Beauty Are Used Against Women which got me to stop shaving my legs for awhile, waging my own little private war against the Gillete® Venus® razor.
With Wolf’s new book all about her vagina, those of us who aspire to be real writers, as opposed to just being jerks who BS on the interwebs, have got to wonder if there would be any interest in a biography about our own lady parts. If my vagina could tell her story, what would she say?
Me: How’s it going down there, vagina?
My Vagina: I’m not happy with this new underwear.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
My Vagina: What’s right with it? First, it’s synthetic. Some sort of poly-lycra bullshit. I like cotton. It lets me breathe.
Me: It’s got a cotton panel.
My Vagina: That’s not enough. I need 100% cotton.
Me: But these undies are sexy.
My Vagina: I hate them. The next time you wear them, I’m going to give you your period unexpectedly and ruin them.
Me: You can do that?
My Vagina: Just you watch. And another thing, who’s that guy that’s been banging me for so long now?
Me: That’s my husband.
My Vagina: What happened to that guy with the big dong?
Me: It didn’t work out.
My Vagina: Oh. Any chance he’ll be back?
Me: No chance.
My Vagina: So it’s just this guy now?
My Vagina: Well, I guess he’s better than that guy with the peanut butter breath. You should have given him an Altoid or something before you let him near me. So you’ll do something about the underwear, right?
Me: Yes, I’ll do something about the underwear.
Something tells me my vagina isn’t nearly as interesting as Naomi Wolf’s.
Royalty free stock photos including the images in this post can be found at freedigitalphotos.net.